11th Annual Solstice Story - "12 Days of Solstice"
This is truly a difficult time of the year for many people. (Okay, mostly for me.) You have to admit that even with global warming, now through, oh say, early May, there isn’t much to live for.
A TV commercial’s view of winter
A TV commercial’s view of winter
The calendar has brought us back to the heinous point in time that is the approach of the winter solstice. That time of the year when we teeter on the edge of madness between the never-ending cold and darkness . . . and the glimmer of hope that we will make it to the first warm breezes of spring.
Oh yeah, and there is also the dismal election we just survived (barely) and, depending on their proclivities, half the people that voted are celebrating
and half (well a little more than half) are debating moving out of the country.
Well, I’ve got a cure for the symptoms (nothing we can do about the disease.)
Well, I’ve got a cure for the symptoms (nothing we can do about the disease.)
Actual view of winter . . .
Most people are familiar with the “Twelve Days of Christmas,”
right? What you probably didn’t know is that it was originally created as a
drinking song by a bunch of 1st century BC pagan bartenders. No,
really it was. This time of year isn’t much fun and if you think it's kind of grim now - being pushed and shoved at the MOA or freezing your ass off getting in the car - imagine it back then. Ugh. I mean, why do you think
they lit candles on evergreens? Why do you think they pranced around them? Why do you think virgins ran scared? (I'm not sure of that last part.) Is it any wonder the early Christians co-opted
solstice for Christmas? No! It's because it sucks this time of the year so you need to do something to make it bearable, that’s why. I
think that also answers the question of why they drank so much too. (And another reason
that bartending is the world’s second oldest profession.)
Anyway, I’ve had to update the song a bit; the original
version, besides being in an unrecognizable Gallic tongue, was a little boring
for modern tastes.
Here’s the original first couple verses:
“On the first cold, horrible, smelly day of solstice my
woman give to me . . . an axe."
“On day after first cold, horrible, smelly day of solstice
my woman give to me, a flagon of wine . . . and an axe.”
And then went on adding another flagon of wine each time. (Bartending
was kind of in its infancy then.) Also, it’s pretty easy to see how there ended
up being a lot of bloody family reunions during the holidays: “Okay, Vercingetorix* I see you eyeing my wife and my cattle - now stop eyeing my cattle!"
Anyway, I think if we were to return to the roots of this
song it might ease the pain of this awful time of the year – or black it out
completely.
On the first day of Solstice my true love gave to me, a giant vodka martini!
On the second day of Solstice my true love gave to me two scotch and waters - and a giant vodka martini!
On the third day of Solstice my true love gave to me to me three lovely daquiris, two scotch and waters - and a giant vodka martini!
On the fourth day of Solstice my true love gave to me four Long Island Iced Teas, three lovely daquiris, two scotch and waters - and a giant vodka martini!
On the fifth day of Solstice my true love gave to me Five Golden Cadillacs! Four Long Island Iced Teas, three lovely daquiris, two scotch and waters - and a giant vodka martini!
On the seventh day of Solstice my true love gave to me seven margaritas, six mojitos - five Golden Cadillacs! Four Long Island Iced Teas, three lovely daquiris, two scotch and waters - a giant vodka martini!
On the eighth day of Solstice my true love gave to me eight mimosas, seven margaritas, six mojitos - five Golden Cadillacs! Four Long Island Iced Teas, three lovely daquiris, two scotch and waters - a giant vodka martini!
On the ninth day of Solstice my true love gave to me nine rusty nails, eight mimosas, seven margaritas, six mojitos - five Golden Cadillacs! Four Long Island Iced Teas, three lovely daquiris, two scotch and waters - and a giant vodka martini!
On the tenth day of Solstice my true love gave to me ten manhattans, nine rusty nails, eight mimosas, seven margaritas, six mojitos - five Golden Cadillacs! Four Long Island Iced Teas, three lovely daquiris, two scotch and waters - and a giant vodka martini!
On the eleventh day of Solstice my true love gave to me eleven plum full pitchers, ten manhattans, nine rusty nails, eight mimosas, seven margaritas, six mojitos - five Golden Cadillacs! Four Long Island Iced Teas, three lovely daquiris, two scotch and waters - a giant vodka martini!
Eleven plumb full pitchers, ten manhattans, nine rusty nails, eight mimosas, seven margaritas, six mojitos - five Golden Cadillacs! Four Long Island Iced Teas, three lovely daquiris, two scotch and waters - and a giant vodka martini!
On the day after the solstice my true love said to me, "It's off to rehab for you."
The beauty of this is that after you get out the days should be getting longer. Even better, you will have avoided another holiday of staring at relatives and pretending to enjoy receiving new undies or a screw driver set.
There, don’t you feel better already? You're welcome.
I think next year I will create one of those holiday
calendars, you know the ones with the 25 little doors that has a little treat
behind them. Maybe behind each door will be a picture of all the Trump appointees who are "outsider" white, billionaire men (might need more windows.) Or how about pictures of exciting young, up and coming Democrats (probably won't need many windows.) Ah, the possibilities are endless!
Since Russia is our new best friend let's enjoy winter like them!
Express your point of view on the season with music:
Play 1 for "Can't wait for spring"
Choice 1
Play 2 for "I'll stick with the traditions"
Choice 2
Play 3 for "Okay I like the holidays but need something different"
Choice 3
Happy holidays to all, enjoy them (or at least try to survive them!)
D Roger Pederson,
Dean, Electoral College
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