Autumn

 Autumn in Minnesota

Ah, autumn in Minnesota, the Dolos of seasons. (You know, Dolos, the Greek spirit of trickery and treachery?) What better name for a spirit that lulls us with a perfect September, a lovely October - then punches us in the face with November enroute to the pits of January, February and March! (December gets a pass for now for good reason as you will see.) 

Wait! I said I was going to write something positive this time and by God I’m going to if I have to lie my butt off. 

So, there is much to love about the fall (as long as you have short term memory loss.) First, think of these soft, cool mornings with bright comfortable days that slide into town in late August. Then as the days wear on the leaves turn to bright colors that make the mythical Joseph’s multi-colored coat look like an army surplus sweatshirt.

Of course, the “official” end of summer is signaled by the annual junk food bacchanalia of the state fair. Where else can you see hordes of (full-figured) people across all race, age and income groups – people who on any other day might be beating each other over the head with political signs - crowd together around the French Fry hut? Or even better, eating such delicacies as Creamy Sardines on a Stick and fried Cheese Stuffed Ice Cream? Yum!

Oh hell, we can another 10,000 folks in here

We interrupt this gushing post to note the sober passing of the autumnal equinox on Sept 21st. Say good night, Dick. Even if you could balance an egg on its end, it’s a small reward for days shorter than nights.

Next, it’s important that I mention the best thing about this season – golf! (As Mrs Dear Leader often pleads, “Must everything relate to golf?” The answer, of course, is "Yes!”) The avid – but often unskilled – golfer can find many positives this time of the year. There is the savings when courses start charging those "cheap" fall rates. Wonderfully, they last until the last parka-clad golfer’s drill bit gets stuck in the frozen tundra trying to get his tee in the ground. (I’m not kidding, I know guys who carry a drill like an additional putter.) That’s so stupid, right? Just bring a hammer! Another great benefit is the “Leaf Rule.” It’s a unique rule recognized only in places that actually have both fall and trees. If you can’t find your ball due to leaves on the course the golfer is allowed a penalty-free drop somewhere near it was last seen headed. The rule is usually very liberally applied. (Golf is full of many stupid rules why not have a good one!) Sadly, the downside at the end of the season – often in December - are the increased visits to mental health professionals by twitchy golfers jonesing for one more round.

 "I think we can one more round in by sunset at 4"

Moving on, sadly we gather the last fruits of our labor from our vegetable gardens (well, not us, we had some issues but I mean a lot of people do) while we prepare to collect the red and gold bounty of our many stately old trees i.e. 60-70 bags of @%*&! leaves!

There is also, of course, the celebration of Halloween where kids can consume slightly more candy than their parents can tolerate. Perhaps lots more. It’s also when you discover who the misanthropes are on the block. You know, the ones who turn off all the lights and skulk in the dark until it’s over. Or worse, handout carrot sticks and kale. Doh.

No, you can't make me go to the Pederson's - she's nice but him and his stupid fake nose and mustache scare me!                                         (Note: I don't have a fake nose and mustache.)

We mustn’t forget the most important fall sport. No, not football – hunting! Fall is a paradise for hunters in our fair state. Grouse, pheasants, ducks, geese are all in our sights. Of course, the big kahuna of hunting is deer. Hunters forego all rationality in their pursuit of shooting Bambi. You know, staying in an old shanty, pooping over a log, inbibing vast amounts of alcohol and heading out before dawn with a high powered rifle. Yowser! (Except for the shanty, the pooping thing, the dawn and the rifle, this is pretty similar to some golf outings I've heard of.) As an aside, we also have the unusual marriage relationship here during deer season called the “deer hunting widow.” If you think there's wildlife in the woods, go to a bar on opening weekend of deer hunting.

Note: no guys in camouflage . . .

Then we have the reward for our annual labors which is, of course, Thanksgiving. That orgy of turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, 3 bean casserole, (hotdish?) cranberries, hot cross buns all topped off with pumpkin pie. Then, like our pilgrim ancestors, we unbuckle our pants and watch . . . football? An odd tradition but what the heck.

Noooo, I hate sitting with these losers, put me with other kids and Uncle Doug!

Finally, as fall gives way to December, and the dubious "charms" of winter, we watch the days get shorter and nights get longer and colder. Suddenly, amidst the gloom, Elpis, the greek spirit of Hope appears on the horizon in the early evening sky. She comes in the form of the Winter Solstice, as the greatest day of the year now comes into sight! Soon we will celebrate the Sun’s decision to stop at the Tropic of Capricorn and start back north to make Minnesota habitable again. (With Christmas thrown in as a bonus!)

Anyway, have a very nice autumn and before you know it we will be . . . 

. . . dreading the Summer Solstice again!

 

The falling leaves drift by the window
               The autumn leaves of red and gold                                                                                                                                                                                          I see your lips, the summer kisses                                                                                                                                                                                   The sun-burned hands I used to hold . . .

Yes, I miss you most of all, my darling                                                                                                                                                                                                     When autumn leaves start to fall

By Jacques Prevert / Joseph Kosma

The Falling Leaves   Nat King Cole

September  Earth Wind and Fire