The Last Solstice?

Again I reach way back into the archives for this solstice story. It's one of my favorites because it was such a special year. In fact, there will be a well-earned ✋for those knowledgeable folks who know what year this was written in. (Or for those grammar nazi's among you, the year in which it was written.) All the clues you need are there.

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The Song of the Goat

"It is not often that you will hear a goat bleating for no apparent reason, and if you do, it most often signals that something is wrong. Act immediately!"

Ancient Greek saying

I think those old Greek guys were saying that some things are unmistakable in their meaning and in this case, the goat sees that danger is near. Perhaps our goat has been bleating for quite some time but we just didn’t recognize it. (Which in hindsight, given the last few years, was really true.)

This year it is necessary not just to plead for the sun to return but for something for it to return to.

This really gets my goat!

We all knew it was going to come to this, didn’t we? Unless you live in a cave - or you're like my dear friend now living in Las Vegas who is 50% of an idiot savant (and not the savant part) regarding pop culture - you know that according to highly reliable sources the end of life as we know it will occur on or after the solstice, Dec. 21 this year. No really, it’s all over but the shouting.

Apparently, the Mayans, the Hopi Indians, Nostradamus and Edgar Cayce – and several Wall Street analysts - all predicted this so it must be true (see, I watch Discovery Channel.) On this solstice the earth and the sun are aligned with the Dark Rift (the center of the Milky Way galaxy.) This only happens every 26,000 years - look it up - and I guess that means that it curtains for us. (Ignoring for the moment that would mean that the world ended 26,000 years ago too.)

It's apparently about 10 min's til doom

I know, I know, this is all a bunch of hooey; there’s no way that this is going to happen, blah, blah, blah and I agree (I think) but bear with me. How do we really know what’s going to happen on any given day let alone such an auspicious date as Dec. 21, 20XX?

In short, we don’t. For example, I have long wondered about that time 66 million years ago when that meteor or comet or whatever crashed into the earth killing all the dinosaurs. (Apparently not far from where Cancun is today - imagine what that would do to the time share business!)

As an interesting aside, did you know that there is an amusement park (not surprisingly in Kentucky) called the Creation Museum that has, among other interesting displays, one that shows, and I quote, “Children play and dinosaurs roam near Eden’s Rivers.” This apparently happened about six thousand years ago. Kids and dinosaurs together. Six thousand years ago. Who knew?!

Anyway, imagine yourself as one of those big, galoot, dinosaurs with a brain the size of a walnut, (only somewhat smaller than mine and that of anyone who plays golf) peering up into the southern sky and seeing some bright, burning object. Do you think they looked at their partner and said, “Well, my dear, it appears that we are doomed.” No, they almost certainly stood staring, mouth open like some ~~Millenial~~ Gen Z Tik Tok watching, i Phone-staring, X Box playing slacker and said “Whuuh?” So, maybe even with our somewhat bigger brain we’re not really able to see the danger either.

Whoa, Dude, that's really bright!

Well, I’m not going to just sit here and take whatever those ancient @!&holes throw at me! Did we give up when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?! (Another Special Solstice award for anyone who recognizes the classic movie this bon mot came from. Or again for Grammar Nazi's, the movie from which this bon mot came.) No, and I’m not going to quit now either. I’m going to do something, damn it! I’m going to resist the common-sense response of panic! I’m going to use my “big brain” and fight back! I’m going to do the natural - and male - thing . . . I’m going to beg! (And apparently use exclamation marks egregiously!)

Now, take a look at this, gods, fate, Bringer of Death or whoever you are:

Geez, what did Lambie and I do wrong to deserve this?

Ah, the hell with it - badminton anyone?

Are you willing to wipe out a planet that has creatures like this? Creatures who are loyal, loving, playful, patient, nap a lot and sniff each other to say hello? (Most of which traits, except for napping, humans do not share.) Well, if you are then I say take us all because a universe that perverse and mean spirited is not a place I want to live in anyway.

But if, after this simple plea, I wake up the day after the solstice (with all my most important parts intact) then I will know that begging - and/or cute dog pictures - works and there is some reason to keep fighting the good fight; I will gladly go back to my annual pleading for the days to get longer.

Of course, if I – no - if WE don’t wake up then everyone will be spared said pleading along with other unpleasant things like going to work, taxes, politicians, mouthy kids, people texting while driving or talking on cell phones while golfing ~~and wearing Depends.~~ (Ugh, nevermind that last part.)